A Time To Celebrate

As the country learned of the death of Osama Bin Laden late last night, a furry of emotions was likely felt by many. Happiness, fear, relief, shock, sadness, anger... those are just a few of the emotions that many of us experienced when we heard the news. I expected that there would be those who would use this victory to discredit President Obama because for some there is nothing that man can do to be worthy of praise and respect. I enjoyed the jokes about verifying Bin Laden's "long form" death certificate at the request of Donald Trump, I even wrote a few myself. What I didn't expect, and what ultimately led me to write this blog, was the criticism of those who took to the streets in New York and DC to celebrate the death of Bin Laden.

I actually wished I was back home in DC last night to celebrate the news. You see I was in DC on 9/11. I remember being on the streets near the Capitol when it was being evacuated with all the other staffers not quite sure what was happening as we all ducked when a plane flew above us. I remember two hours later how eerily silent the city seemed to be as people went home to watch the news reports and mourn such a tragedy. I remember the nervous chatter surrounding us on the patio as we drank beers to deal with the shock of what happened. So, you see, if I was in DC last night I too would have taken to the streets.

But last night before I went to bed and again this morning, I read countless posts on FB, criticizing and mocking those people who took to the streets to celebrate the death of Bin Laden. I can understand if you personally wouldn't want to celebrate the death of anyone, but when did it become OK to tell others how to feel?

In this country we like to tell people what to do. We tell people how they should live, who they should marry, and when they should have a child. But when did we decide that it was OK to tell people how to feel?

And it's not just the death of Bin Laden and the subsequent celebrations that has led me to feel as though my rights to my feelings are being invaded. I know friends who post on FB about racism and oppression and they often get accused of being angry! When a white privileged spoiled brat from UCLA made a YouTube video insulting Asian Americans I was told by a few people that we should not be angry with her! Why don't I have the right to be angry at an adult who made insulting public statements for the world to see? Why don't people who engage in the struggle against racism and oppression have the right to be angry about what they see happening in the world?

I understand that feelings can lead to a response, a response that could be positive or negative. People were angry after the verdict in the Rodney King trial and their response was destruction and looting. That is not a good response for dealing with anger. Many teens who struggle with their sexual identity feel sad and depressed from being tormented by their peers and sometimes they respond by committing suicide. That is not a good response for dealing with sadness and depression. But don't people have a right to be angry? A right to be sad? A right to be depressed?

Emotional regulation begins with recognizing your emotion and choosing a proper response for dealing with the emotion. So you can feel anger and then decide to respond by writing a blog, or bitching to a friend, or you can take to the streets and engage in a civil peaceful demonstration, or you can destroy property and even hurt someone. But you have to first acknowledge that you are angry before you can choose a response.

So last night people felt a wave of emotions and their response was to join others in the streets who were also feeling a wave of emotions. Did they riot and loot? I don't think so. Did they hurt or kill anybody? Not that I heard. But yet they are being mocked, made fun, and blamed for their choice to express their emotions.

Those who have criticized and mocked and made fun of the celebrations, argue that public celebration can lead to retaliation. Do you think terrorists need a reason to retaliate? We killed their leader... I'm sure that's reason enough, besides the fact they hate America. I've heard arguments that question why we should celebrate death. Call me crazy but the man who masterminded the death of 3,000 Americans and probably would have continued killing people all over the world, deserved to die. So what's wrong with celebrating his death? I've also heard the argument that Bin Laden was trained in the US and those who celebrate his death are ignorant about history. Most people are ignorant about history, but I don't care if Bin Laden got his PhD in How to be a Terrorist from Harvard, that doesn't change what he did. Is the US responsible for him and other terrorist who were trained on US soil, probably but that's not what this is about. Almost 10 years ago one man masterminded the worse terrorist attack this country has ever seen and he is now dead.

I'll be the first to admit that I don't believe in war. I did not then, and I do not now, feel as though the US was justified in invading Iraq and Afghanistan after 9/11. I think the proper response to 9/11 would have been to go after Al Q'ueda. Can this be done without declaring war on entire country... well it must be possible since we killed Bin Laden in Pakistan! In my opinion the wars were unjustified and probably did more to instill even more hatred of America and produce even more future terrorists.

But last night wasn't about the wars. President Obama didn't send us into war. He worked with our military to engage in a mission that ultimately killed Bin Laden. And after hearing the news people felt a plethora of emotions and some took to the street to celebrate. I will not dare tell any of these people how they should feel. Their response was not violent and did not physically hurt anyone. I will not make fun of them or criticize them for their decision to celebrate the death of a monster.

Osama Bin Laden will NEVER cause the death of another human being. People might retaliate in his name but, he, himself will NEVER hurt or kill anybody ever again. Because he's dead. And I think that's a reason to celebrate.

Discovering the Great Teacher Within

I've always believed that regret was a useless emotion. Not the type of regret that comes from remorse for doing something wrong, but the type of regret that people feel as they get older and look back on their life and wonder if they made the right decision. In my opinion, the best way to live life is to be confident that the choices you made were the right ones at the time and to dwell in the realm of what might of been is not only foolish but dangerous. Although I tried to live my life by this creed, there was always one area where I did wonder if my life would be better had I made different choices.

When I was a senior in high school I was accepted to Trenton State College (which is now the The College of New Jersey) to purse an undergraduate degree in education. Trenton State was a good school and I was excited to get accepted. My acceptance did come with some conditions. I was admitted in to an Equal Opportunity program for first generation minority college students. In addition to tuition assistance I was required to attend an 8 week summer program prior to the start of my freshmen year. At the last minute I decided that I would rather hang out with my friends then go to the summer program so I turned down my full ride to Trenton State. As a result of this decision I ended up taking 7 years to get my undergraduate degree. I spent time at two community colleges and worked in numerous restaurants before finally getting my BS in early childhood education. I was 25 by the time I graduated and started my first year of teaching.

One year later I was in graduate school full time. I applied during my senior year of undergrad and deferred for one year so I could get some teaching experience. Turns out I didn't like teaching kindergarten as much as I thought I would so going to graduate school was a relief. As I spent time in graduate school I began to worry that my lack of teaching experience wasn't a good thing for someone in the field of education. Especially when most people in the field quantify their experience by stating proudly how many years they have been or were a teacher. I did my best to not let it bother me because there was no point in regretting my decisions but as I get older it has become more and more difficult.

Recently I connected with some high school friends and when discussing what they've been up to, one was quick to point out how many years he worked as a public school teacher. This time I couldn't shake the feeling of regret lingering in me. I began to doubt all that I've accomplished in my life. I haven't finished my dissertation so I'm still technically in graduate school and after getting my undergraduate degree I only have one year of teaching experience... what's there to be proud of? I knew why I did not have years of teaching experience to brag about to old friends. My decision to blow off Trenton State resulted in me taking 7 years to get my undergraduate degree instead of 4. Had I went to Trenton State and done well, I would have graduated in 1999 and would have likely taught in a public school for 4 years before going to graduate school (assuming that I would have still went in 2004). But I didn't. And during those 7 years of working and going to school off and on I gained life experience but not career experience (except for waitressing).

The more I thought about it the more I realized the reason I don't have more then one year of public school teaching experience is because I didn't like being a public school teacher. Had I loved my job I would of looked for a teaching job in Indiana and went to graduate school part-time. But I made the choice to go full time because it only took one year for me to realize that teaching in pubic school was not for me. I used to tell people that the loneliness of being a teacher is what killed the dream for me but now I realize it was more then just feeling like no one understood what I did every day. What I hated about being a teacher was the expectations of what a teacher was supposed to do. As a teacher I was expected to control the behavior of 23, 5-6 years old all day long. They needed to be quiet in the hallway, calm in the lunch room, and attentive in the classroom. This is what I was evaluated on and needless to say I failed miserably. My kids were the loudest in the hallway and exploded in the lunch room (after drinking all that sugar and eating all that processed food). In the classroom I did a little better but not much. They could be attentive at times but usually they got so excited they couldn't sit still or wait for me to call on them or keep their hands to themselves. I did my best to keep them engaged but I was not good at controlling their behavior or getting them to behave the way everyone else expected. I tried implementing reward systems (which I didn't believe in), I tried yelling, I tired begging, I tried everything but nothing worked. By the end of the year I was fed up and thrilled to be returning to college and escaping the world of behavior management. So I decided to pursue graduate school full time and focus on the things I did liked about education like research and advocacy.

And then I discovered that I am a good teacher. I am a great teacher when my students are older and know how to manage their own behavior. You see in the college classroom I only had to control my students behaviors for 3 hours a week instead of 7 hours a day. With college students I was free to teach and not worry about their noise level in the hallway or their behavior in the lunch room. And when I was free to teach, I did it well. I know this because my students tell me all the time. Not just the ones who like to suck up to their teacher but all types of students. Those who struggle, those who excel, and those in between. I have a gift and a passion for teaching that comes through when I am expected to teach.

So do I regret my decision to blow off Trenton State for UDC...no I don't. I made the right decision for me at the time. Do I regret my decision to not continue teaching full time while I was in graduate school...no I don't. I don't know what would of happened if I continued teaching in public schools, but I do know that my passion for teaching comes from discovering that I was good at it, and that didn't happen in the public school.

So the next time someone tells me that they've been a teacher for X number of years, I won't feel any regret. I taught kindergarten for one year but I've been a successful college teacher for the past 6 and that's something to be proud of.

Act IV Chapter 2: Goodbye to Cable

If my life was a play I would be in Act IV. Act I was my time growing up in New Jersey, Act II took place in Washington DC, and Act III was set in Bloomington Indiana. Now I'm in Act IV living in San Diego, Ca. And tomorrow begins Chapter 2 of Act IV (I think chapter sounds better then scene).

As I prepare to embark on Chapter 2 I must admit I'm feeling a bit indifferent. I mean I can't really call Chapter 1 a success seeing as how I lost my job and all so I'm not sure how to feel about Chapter 2. I'm hoping that the move from Oceanside to San Diego will provide me with the opportunity to start fresh and put the job loss situation behind me, but of course there are no guarantees. And not having a job just adds to the lack of stability that hinders my ability to enjoy my new chapter.

Nonetheless, Chapter 2 is beginning no matter what I feel so I must make the best out of it. Unfortunately Chapter 2 does start off with the loss of a few amenities from previous chapters. I must say goodbye to having a dishwasher; a parking space; a washer and dryer in the apartment (although I might be able to rent one) and most importantly cable. Now there is nothing I can do about the first three but the loss of cable is a personal choice. Sure I can blame it on the fact that I don't have a job, but since I've always been the type of person to live beyond my means, I can't truthfully say that the economy has caused me to give up cable.

I've been toying with the idea for a while now. For years now I swore to myself that when (not if) I finally get around to having children I would get rid of cable so they can grow up free from the clutches of MTV, reality TV, and advertising. But why wait for the children to get here before I free myself from the bonds of cable TV?

Truthfully I'm scared that I won't be able to go long without cable. To me cable is one of the elusive status symbols that separates me from my impoverish childhood. Cable was a luxury in Act I. Sometimes we had it but more often than not we didn't. Once I moved on to Act II I made having cable a priority. It was like food, a necessity. Nothing short of being thrown out on the street would have stopped me from having cable.

Not even being a poor graduate student in Act III could stop me from having cable. So what if I had to use my Sallie Mae loan to pay my cable bill? Having cable kept me from feeling like that poor girl in New Jersey. I was a success because cable was no longer a luxury but instead it was a symbol of how far I've come.

And then I moved into Act IV and not only did I have cable...I had the ultimate cable package. With my new job and ridiculous salary I had no reason not to get the UVerse 400 package with every pay channel, except for Playboy. I mean $200 a month for the UVerse 400 package, internet, and home phone seemed like a good deal to me.

But then I lost my job and slipped into a short but real depression. I spent my weekends locked up in my apartment with my cable to soothe my wounded ego. I came home from work each night and let the cable wash over me but it didn't..it couldn't...wash over the depression. In fact I think it made it worse.

Instead of wallowing in self-pity I should have been working on my dissertation, or writing an article, or volunteering with a local non profit. But instead I choose cable day in and day out. I'm not sure what got me out of my depression, but one day I realized that I was wasting my time watching TV. The life I set out to have in Act IV was passing me by. Instead of enjoying everything So Cal has to offer I was obsessing about Sonny and Carly and the rest of people in Port Charles.

Somehow I snapped out of it and I realized that cable had to go! Not having a job and having cable would surely be a recipe for disaster for a procrastinator like me. Life is too short and I'm too old to waste any more time with cable.

But all is not loss. Thanks to the internet I will not have to give up all my favorite shows. I can watch General Hospital anytime I want online and now with Hulu I should be able to watch a few of my other favorite TV shows like Grey's Anatomy and Top Chef. And of course there is Netflix which will allow me to watch many of favorite shows, even if have to wait until the season is over.

But the real loss, the hardest part of cable for me to give up will be the Food Network channel. In a strange twist of fate, I began watching the Food Network channel a few months ago (I guess it had more to do with my depression then fate) and now I'm on my way to becoming a Foodie. And for some horrible reason Hulu doesn't have access to full episodes Food Network shows, so for now I must find a way to say goodbye or convince my mom to let me watch Throwdown with Bobby Flay, The Next Food Network Star, and Diners, Drive-Ins, and Dives at her place.

So as I sit here writing my farewell to cable blog I'm also watching a few episodes of the Boondocks I had stored on my DVR. And you'll never believe what happened...my cable shut off! And now it looks like I might lose my internet as well so it's time to end this blog and say goodbye to cable once and for all. It's been an exciting ride for the past 32 years but I think it's time I moved on and discovered what else the world has to offer as I begin the next chapter in my life!

One job, two job, three job...Me!

Since I was 11 years old I've always had a job. I started out babysitting around town for any family that would welcome a young black girl into their home (for a few families in New Jersey they would rather a Catholic priest babysit their child instead of a black girl). When I was finally of legal age to work I began serving dinner in nursing homes, cleaning hotels, and working at McDonald's. One year I had 11 W-2's to file. Needless to say I have always had a job.

When I moved to Washington DC, one job was not enough and I often worked two jobs. I would work one job that was related to my field of early childhood education and then another job that paid the bills...waiting tables. I knew at an early age that working with young children would never make me rich so I found other jobs that could keep me afloat while I went to school and worked in my field.

Finally I finished my undergraduate degree and I landed what I thought would be my dream job...a kindergarten teacher at a school down the street from my house. This was it...this was why I spent 5 years taking classes full time while waiting tables 40 hours a week and working as a child care intern...so I could finally have my own classroom! I wanted to be a teacher since I was 12 and finally victory would be mine!

There was one teeny problem...I didn't like my job. Teaching was very different then what I thought it would be. I spent 7 hours a day trying to get 22 five year old's to listen to me and learn from me. And even though I had a full time assistant, I never felt so alone in my life. I only saw the other teachers during lunch time and staff meetings. I was on my own and I had to make all the decisions. After teaching all day I went back to the restaurant because I still made more money waiting tables.

After a few months I knew I would never be one of the women who introduced themselves as being a teacher for the past umpteen years. That would never be me. I loved education and I loved working with children but I didn't like being a kindergarten teacher. So where does one go from there? Graduate School.

I had already been accepted to Indiana University so I figured why not go back to school and see what else is out there. I had no idea that the purpose of going to graduate school was to become a college professor but I soon found out that this was the path I was taking. I loved being a student and although I was making peanuts as graduate student employee I was happy again. Maybe it's because I was back in the classroom as the student...or maybe it was because I spent time with other adults socializing and learning. Regardless, graduate school made me happy.

I knew it wouldn't last forever and as I began my fifth year of graduate studies I began to see the light at the end of the tunnel. All my course work was done, I was working on my dissertation, teaching college courses, waiting tables at Outback, and working as photographer. For the past five years I once again held many jobs. I had a friend once compare me to a Jamaican who works 3 jobs and although she found this behavior strange it seemed normal to me.

As I prepared to enter the world of academia I applied to 11 teaching jobs in the fall of 2008. By April 2009 I had received 3 rejection letters and 6 job search cancellations. Things were not looking good. I was at the AERA conference in San Diego surrounded by colleagues who all had job offers for the upcoming school year...while I was close to tears. And then one day it happened...I got a call to interview for a position at a school in southern California.

I remember when I saw the job position announcement thinking this is MY job. It was a split position for a faculty and director of a child development center...my dream job. I would teach college courses, which I found out while in graduate school that I loved to do, and direct the child development center, which would give me the experience I needed in the field (one year of teaching kindergarten isn't usually enough to get a full time faculty position).

I'll never forget the day I got the job offer. I was at the Boys and Girls Club doing an interview for my dissertation research when they called to offer me the position. At that moment it seemed like everything fell into place. All of my life goals were about to be accomplished: Move to southern California, drive cross country, and finish my doctoral degree. For the first time in my life I would only work one job. No more waiting tables for me! I had arrived into the adult world of work with a kick ass salary to boot! What else could I ask for?

Well I guess I could have asked for it to last for more then one year. I knew I was only being hired for a one year contract, but I had every intention on being hired back for another year and hopefully making tenure in 4 years. But it didn't work out for me. I was not offered a second year contract and my dream job blew up in my face.

Honestly, did I see myself staying in that position forever?...NO! I would have done it to make tenure, but it was not my life ambition to stay as a faculty/director for ever. The director position took away all the things I enjoyed about being a professor...such as setting your own work schedule and creating a research agenda. Instead I was another 8-5 employee with no opportunities to do the kind of work I spent five years in graduate school preparing for...RESEARCH!

So now I'm soon to be unemployed and back on the job market. What's most surprising is that the first time in my life that I worked only one job, things went terribly wrong. Maybe I'm not built to have just one job. Maybe I'm supposed to work 2 or 3 jobs because one job will never make me happy.

I really don't know what the universe is trying to tell me but I do know this...
I NEED A JOB!